Contradictions of life from a Christian-ish 20-year-old
I’ve never written a musing. Sometime in the last five years I stopped praying out loud. I don’t remember ever getting up on barstool. What wisdom can I possibly give to anyone intimidatingly older and wiser? What could I add to the kōrero of people who were thinking about God before I was born?
These days I am still figuring out what it means to include ‘Christian’ as a part of my identity. I am working through inconsistencies and barriers that maybe only exist in my head…
One of these barriers is shame. I am very aware that the label ‘Christian’ comes with a lot of negative connotations. I’m learning to be proud of my identity. I’ve realised owning that I go to church in conversation with others can change an individual’s perception of what church is – my friends have told me they have more respect for religion since meeting me (what!).
Another inconsistency: I feel like fraud. I am trying to remember who the Jesus I learnt about as a kid is… Some kind guy with a beard and sandals somewhere I have never seen… Picturing what he would be like today… marking the blurred line between my interpretation of Christ and what I maybe want Christ to be. Am I projecting?
Seeking, seeking, seeking… Reaching out like that U2 song – Where The Streets Have No Name. Not necessarily grasping at anything substantial but feeling more alive for exploring and being intentional with how I want to live my life. Is life more complicated or simpler than it appears? Is that the fault of being human?
Meanwhile I pray (silently of course) for peace, for reassurance that God is there – amongst all of it. And I imagine God’s presence to be like the immense noise of silence I find in the mountains when I skip church. Alone. Not lonely. A part of the ecosystem.